JWIT and the hidden talent…

Hello my fabulous JWITs,

There are certain things that as a born and bred JWIT from North West London that I have come to take for granted… My Jewdar, for example, being high up on this list. If you are unaware of what a ‘Jewdar’ is its probably because you are either:

a) Always surrounded by Jews, and probably should consider expanding your circle…

OR

b) Have never been out to a Mayfair club on the hunt for a JH (in which a Jewdar is essential…trust me!)

Regardless of your pathetic excuses for being unashamedly unaware of your G-d given talent its time for me to enlighten you. A Jewdar is the inbuilt and highly acute ability of a JWIT to be able to determine whether a complete stranger is Jewish or not. This is a skill that has been perfected and passed down generation to generation…it is not only how we have managed to maintain our exclusivity as a race, but it has also allowed us to find potential JH material even in places where all hope was nearly lost (yes David Beckham’s grandfather was Jewish #totallycounts). Have you ever sat in a restaurant and after about thirty seconds of eaves dropping on the table next to yours complaining to the waiter you, your mum and grandmother simultaneously turn to one another and declare ‘definitely Jewish?’ if you have, then this is a simple, yet classic example of the Jewdar in action. On the other hand, if you have yet to tap into this skill and have always wondered why you ended up with the Greek boys instead of the Jewish ones (easy mistake, we’ve all been there) then girl its probably time you get that thing fixed before your broken Jewdar lets another JH bites the dust…

Image

Although, as a student at the University of Bristol I have to admit that my own Jewdar has become slightly rusty due to lack of use. Because lets be honest, despite my wishful thinking you don’ t have to be the Chief Rabbi, let alone have a Jewdar at all, to realise that the blond, devilishly good looking rugby boy from a village in Wales is neither Jewish, nor interested in converting…therefore, as a result my Jewdar has been ashamedly out of practice and as a result it is far from the standard of precision and technique that will be required if I ever intend to use it effectively in a Mayfair club ever again.

However, all JWITs are guilty of perhaps using the Jewdar too much…to the extent that it becomes a subconscious reflex; and before you know it not only are all your friends Jewish but you have also kissed the whole of North London. Suddenly, going man scouting on a sunny day in Primrose Hill has not only become slightly awkward, but also, admittedly boring. Basically what I am trying to say is that although I am wholly appreciative of my ability to detect a fellow JWIT amongst a crowd of complete strangers I also have come to realise that sometimes the unknown can be more fun….

Recently I have discovered that the Jewdar has a new untouched power that I have come to value perhaps more highly than its’ ability to tell me whether his curly brown hair is proof of Judaism or Greek Orthodoxy (or perhaps both, in that case…L’-chaim!) The Jewdar, if used correctly, can detect the JWIT wannabes. Yes, they do exist. The JWIT wannabes are girls that are not technically Jewish but wish that they were. I mean who wouldn’t want to be a JWIT? After all we are the domestic goddesses with the sharpest wit and best tans due to our time spent on the beach in Tel Aviv opposed to the grassy shores of Henley Regatta (To be fair, however, I was pleasantly surprised at how satisfying it can be to lay on the grass and drink champagne whilst watching a few Exeter boys painfully squirm at the mercy of their cox- p.s. this is not a typo with a pun intended, it is rowing slang for the person that sits on the front of the boat and is in charge of the other rowers).

Image

If you have not encountered a JWIT wannabe then it may be time to turn your Jewdar down a notch, because from my experience they can be a blessing in disguise. Who else is going to show you how to pull off a hat at the races or explain to you what pheasant tastes like? Ok so these may not be the most practical life lessons…but its a known fact that hats are fab and the Kate look is totally in right now.

 

1974289_10152254554208459_1721889381_o

As I have said before we have come to take many things for granted. There is  certainly a time and a place where your Jewdar is an essential accessory, but sometimes I have to admit that it takes breaking an outsider’s challah virginity to remind us of how lucky we are to be born and bred JWITs.

And after all everyone loves a Jewish girl…so if you can’t spot them… convert them.

photo (10)

xoxox

@OriginalJWIT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JWIT and ‘The Fall’

Hello my fabulous JWITs,

Long time no speak. There’s been a lot going down and it feels good to be finally reunited with my fellow JWITs. After receiving some not so good press for my article in the JC (check it out: http://www.thejc.com/campus/campus-comment/112389/introducing-jwit) I decided that it’s time to show those haters what they’re really missing. First of all let’s just get one thing straight: I never stopped being a JWIT. No one can change who I am, nor can they shame me into giving up what I love (even though the guy who works in the fro yo shop has tried on many occasions with his disapproving looks). Ultimately the bottom line is I will always be me; so let the haters hate, and keep the fro yos coming.

JWIT’s are the queens of passing judgement. The problem is we don’t know that we’re doing it (OK, so we do know a lot of the time) but I swear often it just happens…in the same way one minute your holding a full tub of Ben and Jerry’s then you blackout for like literally a second…and its empty! Shit happens.  But this is my point. Sometimes there are things that we can’t control, and in typical JWIT fashion your biggest critic is often yourself. I have learnt an important lesson recently…and that is that you can’t control how other people perceive you. I know this is difficult to believe considering we all secretly know that we spent hours choosing this outfit. It is too easy to fall into the trap of feeling a constant need to please others and gain their approval. However, believe me this always ends in tears…

pretty-woman-1

So if you can’t control it then beat it. We all want to be like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman and tell those bitchy girls what a huge mistake they made by judging us too soon. But at the end of the day worrying about what others think about you is not only a waste of your energy that could be better spent with those who value you, but it also lets the haters win. And why should they win? If Taylor Swift let the haters win do you think she would be worth $55 million? Absolutely not. Success is the best revenge, and Taylor is, no doubt, the master of revenge.

Image

TaylorSwift_2

Part of being a JWIT is being able to stand by yourself…not only in your words, as I stand by my own; but also in having the confidence in the knowledge that you are still fabulous with or without the perfect outfit (or boy). There will always be the person who thinks that your chicken soup is too salty…well don’t change it…just think…more for you.

After watching the recently released movie 12 Years a Slave I can’t seem to get one line from this film out of my head (by the way unless you feel like two hours of sobbing and wishing you would just choke on your popcorn so you could leave the cinema without looking like a pussy, I suggest you skip this and opt for a large dose of Bradley Cooper in American Hustle). Anyways…back to my point. Despite the dehumanising depressiveness of this film, you couldn’t help but to feel inspired by the protagonist as he denounces: ‘I will not fall into despair.’ Obviously being kidnapped and sold into slavery is presumably a lot more traumatic than being dumped by your boyfriend or being attacked on face book for an article you wrote; however, this line has stuck with me and become my new mantra. Yes my mantra. Just try it and you’ll see it works. Next time you’re feeling a little weak or depro just say this line in your head and I promise it will inspire the fighter in you. A JWIT wouldn’t be a true JWIT if she wasn’t a little bit melodramatic…so relating our daily problems of break ups, too many essays and not enough sun to years of suffering as a slave seems somewhat appropriate.

Image

I have said it before and I will say it again…JWITs are stronger than we look, and although there will always be people in your life who will doubt this and try to bring you down…we will NOT fall into despair…because the only thing a JWIT will fall into is… love.

xoxox

The Shabbat Hangover

Originally posted on Jewish Wife in Training..and many other fabulous things..:

Hello my fabulous JWITs,

So I have some beyond fabulous news to share with you all..last night I made my very first home made (completely from scratch) Challah…

Image

Now for all you challah making virgins out there who are at this moment beyond jel and questioning your prospects of becoming a Jewish domestic goddess.. DON’T STRESS! Next Friday night is only 6 nights away..so this time pause that episode of the Kardashians, take a break from instagraming pictures of your ‘huncal’ froyo and get your self some dry yeast, flour, honey and eggs. Remember carbs are even better when you work for them…and not going to lie the life of a JWIT takes hard work! You will know this if, like me, today you are suffering from a ‘Shabbat hangover.’ If not only are you having guilt about stuffing your face with an exorbitant amount of challah, chopped liver and drinking your…

View original 783 more words

The JM (Jewish Mother)

Hello my fabulous JWITs,

 An odd thing happened to me the other day…my father gave me a present. Ok, so as all JWITs know your dad giving you a present isn’t that surprising nor that rare, however, this time it wasn’t a Mulberry wallet or his credit card. It was this:

Image

 Two things immediately came into my head. Firstly, a book doesn’t count as a present. Secondly, is my dad suggesting I look pregnant?! I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that second cupcake at that 21st this weekend! However, when the immediate panic of gaining weight, and the disappointment of a book as my present finally wore off, I wondered why such a book even exists? Obviously this present was meant to be an endearing attempt by my Dad to make a joke about my self declared JWIT identity (and to be fair it is kind of sweet), but being a Jewish male what he fails to understand is I won’t need a book to tell me how to be a Jewish mother. Not only do I have a Jewish mother of my own who is always keen to provide me with her version of life coaching and endless words of advice to help me along the way; but like being a JWIT being a JM is not learnt or taught…it is a natural gift, or as I like to say talent.

 A JWIT’s relationship with her mother is incredibly important. JM’s are not just our mothers but also our therapists, gossiping/lunching companions, stylists, personal chefs, nurses and at times our worst enemies. People who think Kris Jenner’s role as ‘momager’ to the Kardashian clan is pervasive and interfering have obviously not encountered a JM. The symptoms of the ‘Jewish mother syndrome’ include:

 1. Endless worrying.

2. A constant need for contact (always achievable-many thanks to skype).

3. Determination to know absolutely everything about what your  children/husband/siblings/parents/friends are up to.

4. Always over cooking.

5. The guilt trip.

6. Overtly opionated and is willing to offer her judgement on anything or anyone when given the slightest chance.

 Admittedly these characteristics at times can be beyond irritating. A JWIT has probably spent more times in her life than most people googling Macaulay Culkin’s legal battle for emancipation, and wondering whether if she followed in his foot steps she could still occasionally borrow her mother’s Chanel purse. For some reason there is nothing more annoying than when your mum tells you that she ‘loves you with your hair up,’ or passes judgement on your choice of outfit for your first date with the boy who she claims is a total shmuck. Don’t worry you are not alone! Generation after generation of Jewish mothers have engaged in what are largely over dramatic battles of will power with their daughters.

#JMfail:macaulay-culkin-936x702macaulay culkin

 #NEWSFLASH!!

The causes of these frequent disagreements occur because a JWIT and her mother are actually the same. It often takes a JWIT a long period of time to come to terms with the fact that some day (once our JH charming is found) we will become a JM ourselves. One day you could be sitting flicking through the pictures from the night before and realise your skin actually did look a funny colour, or the boy who you’ve been seeing does turns out to be a complete schmuck, when those three little words dawn on you: ‘she was right.’

 Because that’s the unique thing about Jewish mothers, despite their at times over bearing interest in your life, or their habit of passing a judgement on every single fashion choice you make they’re the only one’s who you can truly count on to be patient enough to listen to your hypochondriac complaints, or have the guts to tell you that isn’t your colour. JM’s have the ability to simultaneously be our best friends and our worst enemies. But most importantly they always want what’s best for you, and more importantly they always KNOW what’s best for you.

photo-52photo-53

 It’s time to appreciate the JM because lets admit it: without her not only would you lack a full understanding of the importance of beauty maintenance as well as a flawless recipe for chicken soup… but they’re also one step ahead of you in finding a JH… Therefore, maybe next time they tell you to wear your hair up you should take their advice..

Image

#Thanksmum

 So next time your jealously stalking Macaulay Culkin and imagining a world of parental free bliss…remind yourself that behind every great JWIT is an even greater JM.

photo-51

JWIT turns 21

Image

Hello my fabulous JWITs,

Firstly, I would like to apologise for being totally MIA. However, let’s be honest, most of you were probably too busy strutting around in your heels and bikini in Marbella to notice my absence. Don’t worry I’m not going to interrupt your sunbathing for too long, because I, myself, like any other JWIT value the importance of a good tan, but something very exciting has happened to me that I HAVE to tell you about…I turned 21!! Ok so I know I’m from North London and that means I’ve been basically downing shots of grey goose since I was twelve and really turning 21 shouldn’t be that big of a deal…but if like me you’ve always lived vicariously through The Hills then you’ll understand how turning 21 has made your dreams of hailing down a yellow taxi seem that much more tangible.

Image

JWITs love birthdays. We basically live for that one day every year when all the attention is on us…we get showered with presents and praise without having to feel guilty about it. Birthdays also provide the perfect opportunity for us to cry for no apparent reason. Not to mention the special birthday secret that on your birthday all food magically becomes calorie free. The only day that is perhaps more coveted by the JWIT is our wedding… but until we find the perfect JH being the ‘birthday girl’ will have to suffice. Even though every birthday for a JWIT is considered a milestone (with all the stress we sometimes wonder how we made it another year) and require the same about of attention, preparation, anticipation and equally fabulous presents. Turning 21 is somehow different…it is not until then that we finally become liberated from or transatlantic partying limitations; but I also found that I acquired new founded sense of womanhood. There was a sudden realization that my adult life was real and ahead of me and a new chapter in my life as a JWIT was about to begin. #FML.

Not only were graduation pictures starting to appear on my newsfeed faster than I could stalk them myself but people scrambling around for internships and graduate schemes was beginning to make me hyperventilate. By this point in my life I should have already been a) famous (I mean seriously what does Miley have that I don’t?) or b) winning cases for the Supreme Court like Elle Woods. But here I am an average university student with no internship in the city, no record of volunteering with starving children and no obvious talent worth documenting on YouTube. #Fail.

Image

Sipping Mojitos at a pool party in Vegas somehow hasn’t given me the sense of achievement and self-fulfilment that I imagined it would as my thirteen-year old self. So I guess what I’m trying to say is if I want to live up to my true JWIT potential its time to get real. Of course this doesn’t mean giving up everything I love, like reality TV, and of course I’ll never forget the importance of homemade Friday night dinner! So I have devised a 10 step plan to making the transition to the new me:

1. Accept that it’s too late to be a child star.

2. Limit one’s intake of shots of Grey Goose.

3. Start reading real books (US Weekly doesn’t count)

4. Be able to make informed political opinions.

5. Call my mother crying less.

6. Cry less

7. Make classier fashion choices.

8. Acquire a talent.

9. Stop spending all my money on over-priced frozen yoghurt.

10. Take full advantage of being free, independent and 21 #YOLO

It’s only natural that as a JWIT one should have high ambitions for one’s self. With the recent graduation of many of peers and fellow JWITs, I don’t know about you, but I have felt a significant increase in the pressure to snag myself a respectable (and in other words boring) internship. Of course we want to be able to support ourselves in the life style to which we have become accustomed (giving up the over-priced frozen yoghurt is, after all, only a temporary measure…girls gotta eat) but this doesn’t mean subjecting myself to a life filled with day after day of rush hours, offices and suits (unless it’s Chanel obvs).

JWIT’s are known for being sometimes high maintenance, often a little bit cray and always fabulous…but it’s time to reveal our rebellious side. Beyonce didn’t get to where she was today by completing a graduate scheme for Goldman Sachs, so why should I? Since when has success become defined within a narrow spectrum of convention and as having a complete lack of imagination? Because that’s the special thing about a JWIT we may all seem the same but really we’re all individuals, with different interests and who want different things. And we all know that JWIT’s always get what they want! So… whether you want to experiment with a pixie hair cut like Miley or you want to become the first JWIT to go to space…there’s no time like the present…because what do you have to lose? Remember your only 21 once!

Image

The JWIT Diet

ImageHello my fabulous JWITs,

If like me you find yourself in a state of bewilderment whilst stalking girls on instagram who are uploading pictures of themselves gorging away in carb heaven but yet look like they just came out of the skinny factory. You may be left slightly confused and dying to know their secret… however, there are really only two possibilities:

a) Its all a lie, and the picture of that juicy burger with those crispy golden chips is actually they’re boyfriends whilst what they actually ordered was the house salad strategically cropped from the pic.

b) They’re not Jewish.

Because we all know that burning off a daily intake of pizza takeaways and eggs benedict is almost a full time job, and we JWITs are far too busy for that type of commitment. Although there are exceptions, it is my personal opinion that us Jewish girls have a much harder time when it comes to fitting into those size 8 True Religions…not only because Jewish food is just far too good and due to the fact that Friday night dinners are of a weekly occurrence where the temptations of challah and chopped liver is way too over whelming for even the strongest willed of us to resist. Not to mention the encouragement that we receive from our family members who take great pride in encouraging us to fatten up.

Unlike those tall blonde shikse who’s hollow legs remain unaffected by their bacon sandwiches and cheeseburgers #notkosher we seem to be lacking in the height department and I definitely will maintain that this puts us at a serious disadvantage. Don’t get me wrong…there is potential…Tel Aviv beach is proof of this. And remember JWITs are NEVER self- deprecating what we lack in long legs and fast metabolisms we make up for in other ways such as fabulously thick hair and a well endowed bust (although this gene seems to have skipped me).

As a result a secret code has developed amongst JWITs which I like to the call the JWIT diet. First of all I’d like to warn you that from an outsiders perspective this will come across as completely neurotic and illogical, however, for a true JWIT this isn’t like a normal diet this is more like a way of life. Its’ something that has been mastered by years of practice an impressive amount of will power and driven by our embedded perfectionism.

The first rule of the JWIT diet is to constantly talk about food. For some reason we love to discuss and talk about the food we hypothetically might eat. Perhaps there is something reassuring in knowing that even though we can’t eat that incredible veal Milanese we can still talk about it. Some people may deem this obsession with incessantly talking about food as unhealthy, but I like to think of it as food gossip. Mostly harmless, but we’d all be lying if we didn’t admit that a juicy piece of gossip didn’t give us a little bit of satisfaction. Whether its’ discussing what we like to order at our fav restaurant or relaying to our friends everything we ate that day and then comparing whose calorie intake was higher…it is a fact that JWIT’s love a good conversation about food. God forbid that we actually ever eat any of it. ‘Actions speak louder than words,’ in this case is just isn’t true. When it comes to the JWIT diet that club sandwich with a side of sweet potato fries are just words on a menu….

Once you have mastered the art of food gossip, it is important to know the certain dos and don’t when it comes to actual food consumption. For example, it is perfectly acceptable to supplement a fro yo for a meal. On the other hand, going to the pub and ordering a pint of the calorie hell that is also known as beer is major faux pas of everything that we stand for.

Image#mylunch

Lunching is our favourite hobby. We may have not made the lacrosse team, we may not be able to endure camping trips or know how to pull off the Barbour jacket and wellies combo but we certainly know how to go out for lunch. We are never short of a lunch date, but be careful not to fall under the illusion that going for lunch actually means your allowed to eat. It is common knowledge, however, that going for lunch is less about the food and more about fulfilling the ritual that it entails making this nothing less than a holy event in the lives of a JWIT. The lunch will typically begin with unanimous order of diet coke, followed by a selection of one of the chic, totally incredz, but over priced salads. Ordering a regular coke with a salt beef sandwich is ‘social suicide.’ If you want a long and healthy future of lunch dates, I suggest you religiously follow the norm.

Image

There are some exceptions to these rules. For example, Cupcakes is one of them. Anything that pretty and cute is meant to be eaten by girls who are equally as pretty and cute. So go treat yourself to one of these fabulously decadent creations because red Velvet cupcakes are a JWIT’s prerogative.

Image

The JWIT diet may not be for everyone and as much as I hate to admit it but Kate Moss has gotten it wrong:

Image

She clearly hasn’t tasted my mum’s homemade macaroons! The JWIT is slightly neurotic, obsessive and high maintenance when it comes to men, her hair and food. However, unlike Kate we make exceptions… So just because we may order a salad and diet coke at lunch, or spend a large proportion of time engaged in calorie counting doesn’t mean that we don’t know how to eat..we are still Jewish after all! Just remember..one little cupcake never hurt anyone. This brings me the last rule of the JWIT diet: embrace your bodies and be confident..because there’s nothing more fabulous and beautiful than a girl who is happy.

xoxox

 

 

Stress and JWIT Solidarity

Hello my fabulous JWITs,

Walking in the shoes of a JWIT is at times painful, not only because of their ridiculous height, but also because our lives are stressful. Even as babies we were stressed out! JWITs are at times misunderstood; it is often assumed that all we care about is sushi and how we’re going to fit back into the True Religion Jeans we bought three years ago. Don’t get me wrong these issues are of great concern to us and who would want a good pair of True Religions to go to waste?

photo-31

However, what people fail to realise is that we are much more complicated and emotionally deep than we are ever given credit for. Most JWITs are die hard perfectionists not to mention over-achievers…and just in case you may have thought that producing fantastic Shabbat dinners, finding a JH, getting a university degree and staying up to date with the entire lives of North London, meanwhile, looking absolutely fabulous was easy…#Newsflash…its not. Therefore, on behalf of all JWITS I want to make one thing clear: all of our persistent over-analysing, obsessing and hysteria is not in vein….and those of you who find these habits annoying or unproductive are simply not worth our time because one day we will fit back into those jeans… and my guess is…you probably won’t.

Being ‘stressed out’ is probably the fav mantra of a JWIT.  Anything from dealing with conflicting lunch dates to contemplating one’s lack of a JH can be stress inducing for a JWIT. Although we like to give off the impression that we are composed, confident and reassured 100% of the time…the truth is, this is not the case.  Inside we are actually having a panic attack about what the current climate could potentially do to our freshly blow dried hair, and trying to restrain ourselves from constantly checking our phone to see if he has texted us back… and then over-analysing whether texting him in the first place was really the right decision. Trust me we have tried to chill out…but before you know it you’ve double booked your social calendar, you’ve had an argument with your mum about who’s more stressed out and you’ve come to the conclusion that texting him definitely WAS the wrong decision. Stress is part of being a Jewish wife in training…the only good news is…your not alone.

So…..today I ask you all to join together in solidarity because it is a fact that we cannot do this alone…it isn’t easy…and to tell you the truth we just wouldn’t survive. If you thought this was a solo mish then you were mistaken because only a fellow JWIT can truly understand. Enough time has been wasted on ‘bitchyness’ and as we have all learnt from the mistakes of Regina George…this gets you nowhere.

Image

Survival in numbers is the only way forward, and most importantly its just more fun!  So next time you spot a fellow JWIT crying in the bathroom of Oceana because a ‘nice’ Jewish boy has ditched her for a blond shikse don’t pretend you didn’t see her and then go tell all your friends…offer her some bronzer and, in the words of Adriana Lima, remind her that her mascara is far too expensive to waste crying over that shmuck. It is true that judging people is like sport to us….why else do we sit outside Café Rouge on St. John’s Wood high Street in the middle of Winter? But it’s time to cut each other some slack…OK so she may have kissed your ex in Marbella last summer…and its true she probably can’t pull off those wedged trainers….but lets be honest the hope of anyone pulling them off is minimal, and you’d be lying to yourself if you don’t remember pulling her ex last night at Mahiki. But at the end of the day what does any of this really matter? After all we are far too mature and have way too much class to let such insignificant issues stress us out. Most importantly only another JWIT can truly understand and console you when you finally admit defeat to the True Religions….and I can assure its these times when your crying into your bowl of Ben & Jerrys that you truly appreciate the love and friendship that can only be shared between JWITs..and it’s this friendship that makes our lives that little less stressful..

So ladies my message to you is embrace the stress and embrace each other. We have to stick together if we are going to make it through a lifetime of Shabbat Hangovers, countless potential JHs and struggles with ridiculously small jeans and in the end still look as beautiful and fabulous as ever.

Lots of Love

xoxox