Hello my fabulous JWITs,
In the life of a JWIT there will along the way be potential JHs that unfortunately just don’t make the cut. Despite our painfully irresistible desirability, on rare occasions a potential JH suddenly becomes the dreaded ‘ex.’ Although, these situations are rare…they do occur. And just in case this may happen to you, I feel it is my responsibility as a fellow JWIT, to give you some guidance on your new found path to single town….OK so this may not have been the fairy tale ending that you envisaged, but you know what they say…as one door closes, another one opens…and when they do the possibilities are endless…
I don’t know about you but personally I find reading about other people’s misery and cringingly embarrassing experiences somewhat therapeutic. Perhaps it’s the knowledge that you are not alone in your pathetic pool of self-pity, nor the only person who has ever been dumped. Well, if your anything like me then its lucky for you that you have my mistakes to learn from…Even if I can’t remember all of their names! (Only joking #maybenot #sorrymum). From my experiences I have gained the most important life skill that any JWIT/JWIT wannabe could ever possess and definitely one that I will never forget: Regardless of how hopeless, miserable and heartbroken you may feel, there is ALWAYS something funny about the situation. Sorry if that seems like an anti-climax, and you were expecting something highly poetical or profound (By the way if you were thinking this then I’m flattered by your faith in my intelligence); but I promise you, its ’true. If you don’t believe me, or just think that I’m being a cold-hearted bitch, then hopefully by reading some of my break up faux pas I will be able to convince you otherwise….
First of all instead of thinking of your situation as a ‘break up’ I prefer to think of it as if you were on an over-extended holiday from the best city in the world… Single Ville. It’s kind of similar to when New Yorkers need a break from the excitement and demands of the big apple so they escape to a quite retreat in Vermont that although, at first, it may seem luxurious with its’ big fluffy bed and cosy fireplace… it isn’t long before they are craving the noise and adrenalin of the city that never sleeps… So its time to wipe those tears and man-up, because in Single Ville sleep is definitely NOT an option…so lets the adventures begin…
If you are recently going through a break up then you’re probably experiencing some of these initial side effects:
1. Lack of appetite (unusual for a JWIT, but always welcomed)
2. A new appreciation of horror films consisting of A LOT of torture scenes (Hobo with a shotgun is a personal fave…yes this is a real movie…the plot is basically summed up in the title)
3. Vodka tastes like water
4. A reversion to soap (babe. just because your watching Hobo with a Shotgun doesn’t mean you need to look like one…)
5. Shameless neglect of self-dignity
Don’t worry we’ve all been there, and as we all know there is nothing more annoying than people telling you that ‘time’ is the best healer…. Whoever invented this myth obviously doesn’t realise that patience is not in a JWIT’s vocabulary. So if you’re getting bored of:
A) Playing game after game of ‘library roulette’ (This is a thrilling yet sadistic game-it’s pretty simple: You basically go into every library on the University campus and with each library you enter the fatal risk of encountering your ex increases)
B) Torturing yourself about how painfully uncool you played it that last time you ran into your ex and went psycho JWIT on their ass and sort of, maybe, hit them (not your proudest moment, but in hindsight admittedly kind of funny).
C) Spending too many depressing hours on tinder analysing whether someone’s last name is Israeli or Indian origin-not as obvious as one would think.
Then don’t threat because I am about to come to your rescue and enlighten you once again with some of my highly valuable and sacred wisdom: The best cure for broken heart is not ‘time’ OR Ben and Jerry’s…. it is, in fact, just having fun! As I road my Boris Bike through Regent’s Park on a sunny Sunday morning on the best walk of shame, perhaps ever in the history of walks of shame (or should I say ‘ride of shame’), in the same outfit that I wore the night before (heels and a glittered playsuit), it occurred to me that maybe heartbreak brings out the best in us. Shocking, I know, but just hear me out…. Put it this way if it wasn’t for that shmuck dumping you then you probably would have never discovered your full, and undeniably impressive, capability to dance all night, or had the courage to go after your dream job abroad… and remember at the end of the day all JHs are replaceable anyway #totheleft (If you don’t get this Beyonce reference, then yes, you should be ashamed).
I am not denying the fact that there is nothing more painful than losing the person that you love and there is no doubt that after having your heart broken that you will never be the same person again; so open and willing to invest your heart in someone else. However, one day you will wake up and realise that you love the person that you have become more. This is because heartbreak makes us fearless….
So finally on that note here are some top break up tips from one JWIT to another:
1. Remember pool parties are always more fun than pity parties…
2. Its’ true that the harder you cry, the harder you will eventually laugh.
3. Always be slutty but NEVER the sluttiest.
4. Never turn down a cocktail date (even if you can’t understand their Russian accent)
5. Not only do the hard times make you stronger, but they also give you hilarious stories (and blogs).