Nice or nice, that is the question

So, my friend (who shall remain nameless for now) went on a date with this guy the other night. Of course a first date is ALWAYS followed by a debriefing session; and because you usually have about 5 debriefing sessions on an average Thursday night, they usually occur via Whatsapp; in order to reduce costs and maximise efficiency  (JWITs love efficiency).

Mastering a successful dating strategy is basically about firstly, identifying potential compatibility in the market, and then finding a simple solution for execution, with the lowest labour intensive approach as possible (this is based on your risk analysis that the date is likely to be an absolute fail with 80:20 odds).

After all, time is money right?

Please refer to the below Whatsapp transcript for example:

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…Okay so maybe this conversation didn’t take place totally sober…however; the fact that my mind immediately goes to a Baoli in Cannes, and a giant glass of rose when I see the word ‘Nice’ is perhaps, an indication that either;

a) I should reconsider my levels of alcohol consumption,

or, b) that my choice of men is bordering on concerning…

Please excuse my candidness; but describing a man as nice is either code for ‘they didn’t look like their picture, and they probably bench press 40s,’ or ‘I nearly fell asleep as they told me about their career ambitions in property.’ I know this makes me sound like an absolute bitch; but the truth is that being too nice is a turn off. Sad, but true. However; ignore me for a week and I’m unequivocally yours!

So, what is it about niceness that sends shivers up my spine? Don’t get me wrong; I am a firm believer that chivalry is not dead, yet I can’t seem to stand by my own beliefs in practice.

Perhaps it’s because I am just so damaged by the heartbreak of my past relationships, that I couldn’t possibly allow myself to trust a man again, so I always go for the ‘wrong-uns’.

…This theory is unlikely considering I seem to trust anyone with a six-pack and/or puppy…

OR…maybe it’s because the bad boys own motorbikes?

…Warmer.

Alternatively; maybe it’s because I enjoy the chase and the challenge of getting something that is hard to get. That’s why our legs are so toned; we’re constantly climbing up that giant mountain to your ice cold heart (JWITs are very ambitious).

…Nailed it (and in record time of course).

Whatever the reason is; the old saying ‘treat them mean, keep them keen’ is profoundly relatable both as the giver and the receiver. Apparently there’s something irresistibly sexy about being emotionally unavailable and a bit of a moron. Just tell me you’re not into me one more time please, and I’ll basically be planning our wedding.

We have created a dating culture where being too nice is mistaken for being too easy…Yet, finding love should not be a competition, nor should it be an achievement. So why can’t we just stop playing these games and enjoy the easy ride? From my experience the prize is often a huge (or even small) disappointment anyway.

So perhaps it’s time to rethink our perception of nice; and if not there’s always Nice…

Au revoir xoxo

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She’s back…JWIT MNC

She’s back…

So have you missed me? If the answer is no, then hopefully that’s because you’ve met a fabulous JH who has whisked you off into the sunset; and if the answer is yes, you probably should think about getting a life. Anyways, lots to catch you up on…the good, the bad and the ugly (although I won’t name any names).

What’s first on the agenda? Well it’s hard to know where to begin, but I suppose I should start with the most important topic. Boys, (lots of boys). I have certainly been doing my market research, and the conclusions of my findings are as follows;

  1. Always accept weekend trips to Cannes from (hot) strangers
  2. NEVER Recycle. It may be good for the environment but it’s bad in the bedroom (I’ll explain later)
  3. ALWAYS catch flights
  4. NEVER catch feelings

I can tell that you’re a little confused…it’s okay I would be confused as well if I were you. You probably thought that you were going to read a blog about a nice Jewish girl who met a nice Jewish boy and lived happily ever after in Golders Green. WRONG.

Or…maybe you thought you were going to read a blog about a nice, single Jewish girl and her struggles of dating not so nice, twenty-something Jewish bankers. WRONG AGAIN.

If you’re disappointed by this, then I suggest you go straight to Homebase and buy yourself a big mop because that’s what you’re going to need to mop up those wet blankets that you call Men; and the tears that you’ll be crying when they break your heart.

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Are you still there?

Good.

Now back to my findings. Firstly, I have come to the conclusion that love has no borders. How poetic right? But seriously, it has NO borders. I like to think of myself like a multinational company. JWIT Inc. By having ‘offices’ (or boyfriends) across multiple locations you are able to gain access to a wider market, increase your efficiency and, of course, your growth potential.

Relationships are about shared experiences – whether it’s salsa dancing in Colombia, riding on the back of a motorbike through the streets of  Paris, or partying on a yacht in Cannes – does it really matter if those experiences are with the same person? Absolutely not. Of course keeping up with multiple time zones can become exhausting at times; but as we all know JWITs have great stamina.

The great part of establishing offices in new territories is that it is new; and I suggest bringing as little baggage with you as possible. This is where I come to my point about recycling. It is all too easy to fall back into comfort of reconnecting with exes and old flings, disillusioned in the romantic notion that things could be different this time. I hate to break it you – but green just ain’t your colour.

However, don’t fret because failing in love is part of the process of finding it. After all, we live in an export orientated economy..so export yourself! The strategy is simple; spread the risk, increase the rewards. As I am such a truly selfless human being I decided to take one for the team and put this theory to the test. Of course, this required extensive self sacrifice; including a weekend in Cannes with a gorgeous French man who I met mid gym sesh (legs day). True story. Admittedly love was not exactly discovered that weekend, but I can confidently confirm that there were zero regrets (except for missing my flight home…but who can resist a few more hours à la plage right?)

So pack light, turn off your data roaming and say  hello to a transnational love life. Airbnb is so last year anyway. And for those of you who would rather stay at home mopping…we’ll send you a post card. Hasta la vista!

xoxo

JWIT swipes again….

Hello my fabulous JWITs,

I have confession to make. By now I feel like we have known each other long enough so I’m just going to come right out and say it…I downloaded J-swipe. I wish I could say that this was for research purposes only, however, that would be a lie. This act was precipitated by the following various factors:

1. Peer pressure.

2. FOMO (Fear of missing out) What if all my friends meet loads of super hot potential JHs and I miss out just because I’m a stubborn bitch? #Nothappening.

3. Curiosity. Recently, as I have sat next to my friends and watch as they’re fingers manically jet across their phone screens from right to left (left mostly)…It wasn’t long until I wanted to know what all the fuss was about…so I decided that it was time that I got in on the action.

4. Also let’s be honest, valentines day is only around the corner…and those champagne truffles in Selfridges food hall aren’t going to buy themselves…

So one thing led to another and before I knew it I was captivated by the endless pictures of Jewish boys (aged 22-27) flashing across my phone screen. This was amazing! I didn’t have to put on make up, trek to Bushey, or even have to pretend to be interested in what ‘property management’ means in order to find my perfect match. I could even do it whilst watching the Kardashians #bonus. I was hooked.

Two things then occurred to me. First of all, why didn’t I think of this first? A Jewish dating app…It’s so obvious! One word: genius. It cuts straight to the point of what all of us really want to know. Do you keep Kosher (or in other words will it be awkward/will you judge me when I order the Lobster risotto on our first date)? And more importantly that you’re single and looking (these things are actually more difficult to discern than you would think) In other words, on J-swipe there are no mixed signals. You either like ‘Jacob, 24, reform and 6 miles away’ or you don’t. And if Jacob likes you back…then mazel tov…match made in J-swipe heaven. I’m beginning to think that maybe I let my ego and stubbornness get in the way and perhaps I was too quick to turn up my nose to the potential that J-swipe has to offer. After all, what could be so bad about an app which sole purpose is to find me some matzah balls for my chicken soup so to speak…

So naturally my next thought was does it actually work and if so, what is the proper J-swipe etiquette? Tactful J-swiping is still a skill I have yet to master. I don’t like to think of myself as shallow person but in this case I have decided it is necessary to be strict with your ‘right swipe’ criteria. First of all choice of profile picture is essential. Under no circumstances must the profile picture be a selfie. Also a good selection of pictures should be taken into consideration…there is nothing that screams desperation more than a picture at the gym…although I have to admit that I do have a soft spot for the travelling snaps. As for descriptions I decided it was better to give you a few examples of what not to do:

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Also can we just take a minute to discuss these ‘willing to convert’ weirdos…I mean are these idiots for real? Yes I have downloaded a Jewish dating app and sacrificed up my self -dignity just so that I can find a nice non-Jewish boyfriend. OBVIOUSLY NOT.

Another downside of J-swipe that has come to my attention is that it lacks the freedom from inhibition and the promise of anonymity that is offered by Tinder. On J-swipe, presumably, everyone who is using it is Jewish. Therefore, it’s likely that some of the people who pop up you’ll probably already know #awkward. For me anyway this is when the ‘J-swipe shame’ kicked in. As my finger started to ache after countless swipes to the left I started to once again question whether J-swipe really lives up to it’s promise of some good old kosher loving. Swiping is just the easy part…we all know that the real challenge will come when introducing them to your mother.

So for now I’m sad to say that my J-swipe days are over for good. Although my flirtation with J-swipe was fun while it lasted and who knows maybe my perfect JH was only one swipe away…However, I think for now I’m going to stick with the traditional methods. Because lets admit it there’s a difference between knowing how to play the J-swipe game and playing the real one…

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When JWITs Run the World…

photo (23)Hello my fabulous JWITs,

Ok girls its time to talk politics. Don’t worry…I know what your thinking… and I agree. As someone who did an entire degree in this if anyone understands why the prospect of discussing politics sends shivers up one’s spine it should be me. There’s probably nothing less sexy than when you tell someone you have a degree in political science. All students of politics will be able to relate to that dreaded moment of when someone asks what you studied at university. You usually receive one of two reactions:

1. A jaded look suddenly appears across their face and their promise of text asking you out for a drink suspiciously is never delivered.

 OR

2. They attempt to engage you in a political discussion (this one is probably the worst). Obviously you begin to panic and then proceed to make some kind of awkward, politically incorrect joke. Because, lets be honest, despite your ‘well deserved’ 2:1 you don’t really have any political opinions and your knowledge on current affairs pretty much extends to Kim Kardashian’s controversial naked photo shoot (to be discussed later).

Admittedly, I never took my political endeavours too seriously. Most of my time at university was spent hung over and I officially mastered the art of being able to bullshit my way through any academic situation (except Mandarin of course…that stuff you just can’t fake). However, I have come to appreciate the important role that politics has to play in the life of a JWIT. In case you haven’t noticed JWITs are masters of diplomacy and negotiation…Whether its’ deciding with your girlfriends whether to go to sushi restaurant A or sushi restaurant B… or tactfully telling one of your friends that the guy she’s been messaging probably isn’t interested…there is no doubt that when it comes to politics we are the real experts. JWIT’s have always understood the power of conviction. This is something that is in our blood and has been handed down from generation to generation. For example when the Jews left Egypt what did we say? ‘YES WE CAN.’ And when ours mothers say there is no way you’ll be able to walk in those shoes…what do we say? ‘YES WE CAN.’ So step aside Obama because JWIT’s have been saying ‘yes we can’ since 1446…Seriously, you would think Obama could at least be original.

Many people think that to JWITs the word ‘party’ only means one thing: champagne. But this is where you’re wrong. Being a JWIT is much like being a member of a political party. The best form of comparison is that we’re like a much more attractive version of the Green Party, except for the fact that we don’t care about climate change. Unless, of course, by climate change you mean a holiday to LA (doesn’t that count as a climate change?)

So When JWITs run the world, not only will denim on denim be illegal, but it will, overall, be a much better place. Just imagine a utopia where spinning classes are free and nose jobs are included on the NHS. I would also impose a strict ban on J-swipe (As I think most of you would agree that all J-swipe has to offer is false hope and A LOT of losers). Secondly, I propose an amendment to the penal code to make not texting back punishable under the law.

OK so I know this is starting to sound a little bit like a dictatorship, but I like to think of it more as a regime of ‘sovereign girl power.’ Don’t get me wrong JWITs are all for democracy. In fact, there have even been times when we’ve been accused of being too liberal. Surely in a liberal democratic society rule number one should always be ‘if you got flaunt it’….which is why we fully support Kim’s right to be naked. Secondly, JWIT’s are all for equality. (However, It could be argued that we have already achieved equality: All JWITs are equally fabulous and all JHs are equally shmucks).

Furthermore, A wise man once told me that ‘with great power comes great responsibility.’ Well with great respect to Voltaire I would like to disagree. Maybe there’s more to being powerful than just being responsible. After all, they don’t call it a political party for nothing! I mean, put it this way…people don’t start wars at parties…right? Especially in VIP.

#VOTEJWIT

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JWIT all grown up (well almost)…

Hello my fabulous JWITs,

With the smell of freshly baked honey cakes in the air it can only mean one thing… Rosh Hashanah. I don’t know about you but Rosh Hashanah is one of my favourite times of year. Not only is it the perfect opportunity for a new wardrobe, not to mention a highlight on the social calendar for the majority of citizens of North London…but it is also marks the beginning of a new year and therefore a new chapter. And lets be honest, once in a while we could all use one of those. Its’ not that JWITs have much to repent (because we’re pretty much perfect 98% of the time -obvs) but in the words of Cady Heron:

‘when you get bit by a snake you are supposed to suck out the poison. Well that’s what I had to do. I had to suck all of the poison out of my life.’

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Mean Girls can usually be relied on to have an answer for everything but who knew Mean Girls and the Torah had so much in common! Anyways…. my point being that with the start of a new year it’s time to accept your mistakes, learn from them, and prepare yourself to face the new challenges that lie ahead. Rosh Hashanah is also a sign that summer is officially over. And with this there does indeed come a few depressing realisations…. For example, your days of going to Bodos Schloss on Thursday nights are now distant memories (although to be honest its’ not like you really remember much of them anyway)… and as you say goodbye to your summer romance its’ easy to catch a case of those depressing post holiday blues…whether you’ve left your heart in Bodos or LA…there is always a silver lining. On the bright side soon it will be cold enough to wear your new Kooples leather jacket (which is beyond fab if I do say myself).

Although, perhaps your post summer depression is not really a result of you missing the freedom to stay out all night, or your ridiculously amazing tan (well in this case maybe it is a little bit)…but rather it’s the fear of starting this new phase of your life. After all there is nothing like the harsh reality check of the expiration of your 10% student discount at Topshop to remind you that you’re all grown up… (well almost) #panic.

If like myself, you were naïve enough to think that by doing a masters you are in fact preserving your student identity for at least one more year, than its time to think again. Because sooner or later (if you haven’t done already) the fact that you are actually doing ANOTHER DEGREE, and not only a degree, but an MA will eventually sink in…. and when it does it could potentially result in you suffering what I like to refer to as a CND (casual nervous break-down) – just a warning. If you happen to be like me than this is likely to manifest itself in three ways. Firstly, googling whether memory loss from too much alcohol is ever long term as I clearly have forgotten the tears, anxiety and misery suffered at the hands of degree number 1. Secondly, buying a ridiculously expensive leather jacket…and thirdly… doing the only logical thing and booking spontaneous transatlantic flights #genius. An MBA…I mean REALLY?! The extent to which I ever considered myself to be an academic was when I dressed up as a slutty lecturer for Halloween…

In this case it only seems appropriate to invoke wisdom and inspiration from the probably most notorious and perhaps the original JWIT herself, Joan Rivers. Therefore, I would like to thank Joan for my Rosh Hashanah resolutions:

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1) ‘I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.’

2) ‘Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.’

3) ‘I succeed by saying what everyone else is thinking.’

After all if we have made in 5,775 years, JWITs must be tougher than we look. So in this new year of new challenges, new degrees, new jobs and maybe even new JHs….I suggest get yourself a kick ass leather jacket and we’ll fake it until we make it together… SHANA TOVA!

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xoxo

JWIT and some words of wisdom….

Hello my fabulous JWITs,

In the life of a JWIT there will along the way be potential JHs that unfortunately just don’t make the cut. Despite our painfully irresistible desirability, on rare occasions a potential JH suddenly becomes the dreaded ‘ex.’ Although, these situations are rare…they do occur. And just in case this may happen to you, I feel it is my responsibility as a fellow JWIT, to give you some guidance on your new found path to single town….OK so this may not have been the fairy tale ending that you envisaged, but you know what they say…as one door closes, another one opens…and when they do the possibilities are endless…

I don’t know about you but personally I find reading about other people’s misery and cringingly embarrassing experiences somewhat therapeutic. Perhaps it’s the knowledge that you are not alone in your pathetic pool of self-pity, nor the only person who has ever been dumped. Well, if your anything like me then its lucky for you that you have my mistakes to learn from…Even if I can’t remember all of their names! (Only joking #maybenot #sorrymum). From my experiences I have gained the most important life skill that any JWIT/JWIT wannabe could ever possess and definitely one that I will never forget: Regardless of how hopeless, miserable and heartbroken you may feel, there is ALWAYS something funny about the situation. Sorry if that seems like an anti-climax, and you were expecting something highly poetical or profound (By the way if you were thinking this then I’m flattered by your faith in my intelligence); but I promise you, its ’true. If you don’t believe me, or just think that I’m being a cold-hearted bitch, then hopefully by reading some of my break up faux pas I will be able to convince you otherwise….

First of all instead of thinking of your situation as a ‘break up’ I prefer to think of it as if you were on an over-extended holiday from the best city in the world… Single Ville. It’s kind of similar to when New Yorkers need a break from the excitement and demands of the big apple so they escape to a quite retreat in Vermont that although, at first, it may seem luxurious with its’ big fluffy bed and cosy fireplace… it isn’t long before they are craving the noise and adrenalin of the city that never sleeps… So its time to wipe those tears and man-up, because in Single Ville sleep is definitely NOT an option…so lets the adventures begin…

If you are recently going through a break up then you’re probably experiencing some of these initial side effects:

1.  Lack of appetite (unusual for a JWIT, but always welcomed)

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2. A new appreciation of horror films consisting of A LOT of torture scenes (Hobo with a shotgun is a personal fave…yes this is a real movie…the plot is basically summed up in the title)

#truestory

#truestory

 

3. Vodka tastes like water

 

4.  A reversion to soap (babe. just because your watching Hobo with a Shotgun doesn’t mean you need to look like one…)

 

5.  Shameless neglect of self-dignity

Don’t worry we’ve all been there, and as we all know there is nothing more annoying than people telling you that ‘time’ is the best healer…. Whoever invented this myth obviously doesn’t realise that patience is not in a JWIT’s vocabulary. So if you’re getting bored of:

A) Playing game after game of ‘library roulette’ (This is a thrilling yet sadistic game-it’s pretty simple: You basically go into every library on the University campus and with each library you enter the fatal risk of encountering your ex increases)

B) Torturing yourself about how painfully uncool you played it that last time you ran into your ex and went psycho JWIT on their ass and sort of, maybe, hit them (not your proudest moment, but in hindsight admittedly kind of funny).

C) Spending too many depressing hours on tinder analysing whether someone’s last name is Israeli or Indian origin-not as obvious as one would think.

Then don’t threat because I am about to come to your rescue and enlighten you once again with some of my highly valuable and sacred wisdom: The best cure for broken heart is not ‘time’ OR Ben and Jerry’s….  it is, in fact, just having fun! As I road my Boris Bike through Regent’s Park on a sunny Sunday morning on the best walk of shame, perhaps ever in the history of walks of shame (or should I say ‘ride of shame’), in the same outfit that I wore the night before (heels and a glittered playsuit), it occurred to me that maybe heartbreak brings out the best in us. Shocking, I know, but just hear me out…. Put it this way if it wasn’t for that shmuck dumping you then you probably would have never discovered your full, and undeniably impressive, capability to dance all night, or had the courage to go after your dream job abroad… and remember at the end of the day all JHs are replaceable anyway #totheleft (If you don’t get this Beyonce reference, then yes, you should be ashamed).

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I am not denying the fact that there is nothing more painful than losing the person that you love and there is no doubt that after having your heart broken that you will never be the same person again; so open and willing to invest your heart in someone else. However, one day you will wake up and realise that you love the person that you have become more. This is because heartbreak makes us fearless….

So finally on that note here are some top break up tips from one JWIT to another:

 

1. Remember pool parties are always more fun than pity parties…

 

2.  Its’ true that the harder you cry, the harder you will eventually laugh.

 

3. Always be slutty but NEVER the sluttiest.

 

4. Never turn down a cocktail date (even if you can’t understand their Russian accent)

 

5. Not only do the hard times make you stronger, but they also give you hilarious stories (and blogs).

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xoxo